


Live Like You're Dying

by Colbert100



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-09 03:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4332063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colbert100/pseuds/Colbert100
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Heinz Doofenshmirtz receives a shocking diagnosis, suddenly being evil doesn't seem so appetizing. Instead, his attention turns to a certain platypus, and they do their best to deal with the news and its aftermath together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1

The day began like any other day for the platypus. He woke up in Phineas’ arms, curled up on his side. Chattering gently in his version of a yawn, he stretched his paws out and opened his eyes. The sun hadn’t risen yet, so he decided to sleep for a few more hours. Disgruntled at the fact that he had woken up so early, he tucked his head into Phineas’ chest and tried to go back to sleep.

A muffled beep startled him, and he realized that Major Monogram must have tried to call him. Slightly annoyed, he eased his way out of his owner’s arms and jumped onto the floor, heading into the living room so he could receive Monogram’s message.

“Agent P,” Monogram said worriedly. “Sorry to wake you up at 3 AM—I wasn’t awake yet either, so I understand how you feel—but OWCA just received notice from Danville Hospital that Doofenshmirtz checked into the emergency room and is currently having surgery.“

Perry felt numb and began to breathe quickly. Scenarios that could have led to Doofenshmirtz injuring himself flashed through his mind. A fire at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, an inator gone wrong, self harm… He shuddered at that thought.

Seeing his top agent panic, Monogram tried to smile reassuringly. Inside, he was almost as worried as Agent P. Doofenshmirtz had a history of nearly killing himself with his inventions, and one bad decision could easily lead to a fatal accident.

“We were unable to determine what happened, because we aren’t family. However, apparently Doofenshmirtz said, um, that you were like family to him and asked that all medical details be released only to you and his daughter.”

Monogram coughed uncomfortably at the awed, almost teary look in Perry’s eyes that quickly replaced the panicked expression he had had moments earlier. Perry blinked and was back to being a stoic OWCA agent. He nodded at Monogram to continue.

“We need you to find out what’s wrong with Doofenshmirtz and report back to us, so we can update our files.” Perry nodded again and looked away from the watch. Monogram interrupted him before he could go, speaking more gently this time.

“Agent P, off the record, I hope everything goes well. I know he’s not just a nemesis to you. Do whatever it takes to get him back on his feet, okay?”

Perry smiled appreciatively and chattered in response. Monogram smiled back, shutting off the video feed. Without further ado, Perry jumped into a secret passageway hidden in a wall and slid down to his lair. He grabbed the nearest hovercraft and flew out into the night sky, heading to the hospital.

 

After what felt like hours but was really only minutes, Perry arrived at Danville Hospital, parking his hovercraft on a high branch where no one would see it. He ran through the emergency room doors, scaring the receptionist.

“It’s a platypus. It’s a platypus in a fedora!” she screamed, before fainting. Well, his theme song did say that he made all the ladies swoon, he thought to himself smugly. He waited impatiently for another receptionist to come, and luckily one showed up in less than a minute. She immediately recognized Perry as the platypus Doof had referred to, and directed him to the right room.

“Room 4, second one on your right. Mr. Doofenshmirtz just got out of surgery so he’s most likely asleep. The oncologist will be by in a few minutes to speak to both of you,” she said sweetly.

Perry nodded politely then turned, rushing down the hall. He made it halfway to the room before he fully processed what the receptionist had said. _Heinz has cancer?_ he thought numbly, stopping in his tracks. Maybe the receptionist had gotten it wrong, maybe it was just some generic doctor, maybe he misunderstood what an oncologist did. There’s no way they would know if it was cancer yet anyway, not if Heinz had arrived at the hospital that night.

As he came up with more and more reasons for the receptionist to be wrong, he reluctantly began walking towards Doof’s room again. When he reached it, he jumped up, trying to quietly turn the door knob.

Due to his short stature, he failed, and the door loudly slammed against the wall. Taking a deep breath, he stepped gingerly into the room, hoping that Heinz would somehow still be asleep. The man in the hospital bed laughing at him ruined his hopes, and he looked down at the ground shamefully.

“Ah, Perry the Platypus! How uncoordinated! And by uncoordinated, I mean totally uncoordinated. You looked like an idiot! I think that’s the first laugh I’ve had since I got here. Hospitals aren’t the funniest of places, you know? Maybe I should build a Hospital Humor-inator… Or maybe not, since that’s not technically evil. Actually, that would probably count as community service. These places really need to be livened up. Hey, want to hear my tragic backstory about all the time I spent in hospitals as a kid?”

As he babbled inanely, Perry knew Heinz well enough to see what he was actually doing—trying to distract Perry from the fact that he had just been hospitalized for unknown reasons. Pretending to listen to what Heinz was saying, Perry used the backstory to observe his condition more closely.

Heinz looked extremely pale and significantly skinnier than when Perry had last seen him just a few days ago (he had asked Perry to give him a few days to buy supplies, as his next –inator was a pretty big project). His belly fat had all but disappeared, and he looked weak. His hair seemed thinner than usual, and he was hugging himself with his arms, so he was probably cold as well. The bags under his eyes had darkened considerably, and there was a dead look to his usually lively eyes that terrified Perry.

“And that’s how I learned that IV tubes aren’t actually made of licorice!” he said triumphantly, smirking. Perry raised a doubtful eyebrow, inwardly noting that even Doof’s smile seemed fake.

Done pretending that nothing was wrong, he chattered angrily. Doof immediately got defensive.

“What is it, Perry the Platypus? Don’t use that tone with me,” he said mockingly.

Perry sighed and decided to try a different approach. Jumping on the bed, he leaned against his nemesis, providing him with what seemed like much needed body warmth.

Heinz looked confused at first, patting Perry on the side, then realized what he was trying to do. “Oh, I’m not cold, Perry the Platypus,” he said in a more subdued tone. “It’s, um… We should probably talk about this, shouldn’t we?”

Perry nodded, reaching for Heinz’ hand and squeezing it softly. Heinz squeezed back, then took a deep breath.


	2. Day 1, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heinz tells Perry what he already knows about his disease, then they receive more bad news from an unfriendly doctor.

Perry braced himself for the worst, almost certain that he knew what Heinz was about to say.

“Are you sure that we can’t just forget about this and go have one of our fights like normal? I saw some cool machinery on my way here that could make an awesome -inator.”

Or not. That man could be infuriating sometimes.

He looked up at Heinz and chattered at him, trying to express both his loving concern and his need for him to shut up and focus. Doofenshmirtz understood and looked down, slightly ashamed.

“You’re right, Perry the Platypus. This is kind of a serious matter and I guess I need to deal with it.” He sighed, finally letting his guard drop. Perry squeezed his hand tightly, trying to comfort him.

“According to the doctors, I have cancer. I received the diagnosis a few days ago. Remember when I told you I was taking a break to get supplies? That was a lie. I’d apologize but, you know, evil! I was actually getting a biopsy. Apparently that time last week that I forgot what –inator I was building in the middle of our fight wasn’t just caused by you having hit me in the head with a dead fish a few minutes earlier. It was a symptom of cancer. It kept happening over and over again so I got it checked out. I’m getting more info today and learning about treatment plans. They did another biopsy earlier. Because I’m me, the world decided that not only do I deserve cancer, but I get to go all out and have a brain tumor!"

Perry inhaled sharply. He didn’t know how to react to this news, feeling too many emotions to express just one. He was terrified, angry, confused, and depressed. Heinz’ bitter tone at the end of his monologue disturbed him. The doctor may have been evil, but he seemed to feel like he deserved to have cancer, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Unable to express all of these feelings at once, Perry chattered and looked into Heinz’ eyes, hoping that would communicate at least a few of them. Doof smiled sadly at the platypus, seeming to understand, and placed his arm around him, hugging him to his side.

“Thanks, Perry.”

They sat like that for a few moments, each deep in his own thoughts. Their silent contemplation was interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Come in!” Heinz called out. A young woman, short with blond hair, stepped inside. She noticed Perry and her eyes widened slightly, but she stayed calm.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Parker, Heinz’ oncologist,” she told Perry, then shook his hand. Perry chattered in reply. Confused, she turned to Doof.

“Did you expect a platypus to respond to you? They don’t say much. He’s Perry the Platypus, and he’s my nemesis,” he explained proudly.

“Oh, you have a nemesis? How interesting,” she said, sounding only slightly interested. Perry decided he didn’t like her. Heinz, on the other hand, believed her and smiled happily.

“You should hear about some of the great fights we’ve had. There was that time I made stinky limburger cheese but he tried to stop me and became old…”

Perry glared at Heinz, annoyed that that was the invention he chose to speak about. Stinky limburger cheese was a _great_ conversation topic.

Dr. Parker seemed to agree, raising an eyebrow at Heinz.

“Sir, while your cheese story is terribly exciting, would you mind focusing on the subject at hand? We ran some more tests and learned more about this tumor and your chances of survival.”

Heinz was muttering something to himself about how he needed to incorporate limburger cheese into all of his -inators, unaware as always that he was being ignored. Perry elbowed him, and he stopped talking, paying attention to Dr. Parker.

“Is it okay if your friend hears this?” she asked, sounding like she wanted to be anywhere but there.

“He’s not my friend! He’s my nemesis. There’s a big difference. But yes, it’s fine.”

Dr. Parker sighed a long-suffering sigh, then began reading from a clipboard.

“I’m sorry to say that tests show that the tumor is malignant and is growing at an alarming rate. It isn’t like any other tumor we’ve seen before, and we believe that it was caused by exposure to a large amount of radiation. Have you ever been exposed to any radiation?”

Doofenshmirtz laughed awkwardly. “Well, I build inventions every day using unproven scientific techniques. I’ve probably come across a little bit of radiation at some point in my work.”

He processed the rest of what the doctor had said and his eyes widened. He looked at the floor miserably. Hesitantly, he asked how quick an alarming rate was.

“At the speed that it’s growing, you only have two months before you begin losing major memories and three before you start to forget basic bodily functions. We estimate that you have four months left, if nothing unexpected happens.”

Heinz seemed to curl in on himself, and he continued to stare at the floor numbly. He muttered “four months” to himself repeatedly, in disbelief. Perry hugged him but he pushed him away. Knowing that Heinz needed some time to himself right now, Perry wasn’t offended.

While he wasn’t the one with cancer, Perry wasn’t taking this well either. He couldn’t believe that he only had four months left with his nemesis (who, in all honesty, was his best friend), and he felt guilty that he hadn’t spotted signs of the disease earlier somehow. He watched Heinz sadly, vowing to spend as much time with him as he possibly could.

After taking a few minutes to process the news, Heinz looked up at Dr. Parker.

“What would count as unexpected?”

Dr. Parker frowned, as if she hadn’t been asked this question very often.

“In your case, additional exposure to the level of radiation that initially caused the cancer would certainly be unexpected, so please stop building inventions. Other factors, such as physical trauma, could also be dangerous, so I’d recommend that you avoid any activities that require a large amount of physical exertion.”

Doof laughed sarcastically. “Well, Perry the Platypus, it looks as if you’ve won. My body has decided, like everyone else, that I’m not worth it and it gave up, so you can go back to your precious Monogram and find a new nemesis.”

Perry’s eyes flashed angrily and he chattered at Heinz, telling him that he wouldn’t leave him and that he shouldn’t speak that way. Heinz, looking in his eyes for the first time since he learned about his fate, understood and took his hand, squeezing it softly, before looking away from him again. “Sorry, I guess I’m not dealing with this well. Where’s a Cure Cancer-inator when you need one, huh?” Perry smiled slightly, glad that Doof was more like his normal self again, and chattered amusedly.

Dr. Parker coughed, getting Heinz’ attention. They discussed treatment options briefly, and he decided that he’d consider whether to pursue chemotherapy at home and contact her that night. Perry felt like crying when he heard that chemotherapy would likely only have a 10 percent chance of success and would only give Heinz a few more weeks, at best.

Dr. Parker stood and gave Heinz a few papers to sign, then excused herself and left. When she was gone, Heinz looked at Perry for a few moments, unsure what to say. “Well, you know everything I do, now. I’d prefer if you didn’t tell Monogram yet, but I’d understand if you have to.”

Perry shook his head, indicating that he didn’t, and Heinz smiled. “Good. They can find out later. This should really be kept between me and my nemesis for now. And my daughter… Vanessa’s coming soon! What do I tell her? I could make an Alternate Reality-inator and send her to a world where this didn’t happen, or an I Can’t Remember That My Dad Has Cancer-inator—I’d have to work on the name—that would make her forget about it whenever she learns I have it or—“

His brainstorming was cut off by a platypus standing up and chattering at him sympathetically but firmly, one paw on each of his shoulders. Doof rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I guess the honest, direct approach is probably best. That’s so complicated though! I mean, what if she starts crying or something?”

Perry rolled his eyes and hugged Heinz, demonstrating how he could respond to that situation. He looked down in surprise.

“Oh, good thinking, Perry the Platypus! Hugs make great traps! I could trap her in a hug then use my I Can’t Remember That My Dad Has Cancer-inator!”

Perry smiled sadly and hugged Heinz tighter, hoping he didn’t notice that his lab coat was becoming soaked in tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took two weeks to update this! This is my first multi-chapter fic, so I'm not used to posting regular updates to stories. I usually just do one shots. Thanks for the kudos/reviews!


	3. Day 1, Part 3

Vanessa didn’t take the news well. She arrived a few minutes after the hug ended and immediately noticed that Perry’s eyes were teary. Her apathetic expression turned into a worried one, then she looked at her dad and panicked.

“Oh my god Dad, what happened? You look really pale. Are you okay?” She rushed over and sat by his side.

Perry ducked out of the room to give them some space. He smiled reassuringly at Heinz, who stared back at him with wide, terrified eyes. As soon as he closed the door, he sat against it with his head in his hands, trying to deal with his own turbulent emotions.

Heinz felt even more scared now that Perry had left and looked at Vanessa helplessly.

“Sweetheart, I -- I don’t know how to say this. I don’t want to say it. I…” He trailed off, focusing on the wall behind Vanessa.

She leaned against him and nervously played with the edge of his lab coat, which he was wearing over his hospital gown.

“It doesn’t matter what it is, just… Are you going to be okay?” she asked quietly, her voice trembling slightly at the end. When Heinz didn’t respond, she looked up at his ashen, sad face.

He didn’t look at her, afraid to make eye contact, but shook his head slightly. She broke down crying.

“No, Daddy, no, please,” she got out between gasps of air. She put her head in his lap and he gently combed her hair with his fingers, inwardly wondering if it was the last time he’d ever get to do that.

After a long time, her sobs subsided slightly, and she looked up at Heinz. Taking a deep breath, he began to explain the full story to her.

 

Perry didn’t ask any questions when Vanessa and Heinz came out of the hospital room after about half an hour. He just accepted the hand that Heinz offered him and walked out, Vanessa holding Heinz’s other hand. They made their way to Heinz’s car, a sad trio shuffling numbly out into the world.

Heinz was in no state to drive, and Perry didn’t have pedal extensions with him, so Vanessa got to drive. She ran multiple red lights, but both Heinz and Perry were too deep in thought to notice. After parking safely, they made their way to the Doofenshmirtz penthouse, where Heinz and Vanessa settled onto the couch.

Perry went into the kitchen to make tea, figuring that would do everyone some good, but was interrupted by an alert on his watch.

“Agent P? How’s Doof?” Monogram asked. Perry shook his head, and Monogram was able to glean from his sad expression that that meant not good. Unable to communicate any more information without words, he grabbed a pen and napkin and scrawled “brain cancer” on it. Monogram’s jaw dropped when he read the diagnosis.

“Shit. That’s terrible. Agent P, I’m so sorry. Do you know how long…?” His jaw dropped even further when he saw what Perry had written. “Jesus. I don’t know what to say.”

Carl popped up in the corner of the screen and read Perry’s note. The young, unpaid intern paled and disappeared again. Perry heard sniffling from offscreen.

“Obviously, there are regulations about how to deal with a situation like this. You’re supposed to find a new nemesis if your former nemesis stops practicing evil, and you’re not supposed to maintain contact with the previous one. But screw the regulations. Take as much time off as you need, and Carl and I will be here if you need some friends to lean on.”

Perry nodded gratefully and switched off the video feed. He started to make tea again, but jumped when the floor creaked behind him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” a female voice said. A glance over his shoulder confirmed that it was Vanessa. “I was just wondering what you were doing, then I heard you speaking to Major Monogram. You’ll be staying with us for now, right? At least during the daytime?”

Perry chattered a yes, and looked her over. She was curled in on herself, and her posture was similar to her dad’s. Her makeup was smudged, with lines of mascara running down her cheeks, and her normal shields were completely down. She smiled softly at Perry’s affirmation.

“Good. I’ll need you, and I know my dad will. He was talking about you when I left. Can you sit with him? I’ll take care of the tea.”

Perry nodded and cautiously headed into the living room. Heinz was curled up on the sofa, head tucked into a pillow. His lab coat was discarded on the floor in a messy heap, and his hospital gown had ridden up slightly, revealing his underwear.

On a happier day, Perry would have smirked at the fact that he had his Perry boxers on. Today, he just walked up to him and gently placed a paw on his side. Heinz rolled over, blinking up at him blankly. For a second, Perry worried that he didn’t recognize him, but Heinz’s quiet “hey, Perry the Platypus” assuaged his fears.

He didn’t seem inclined to say anything else, so Perry just watched him, still in denial about the fact that he would only be able to spend four more months with the man who meant so much to him, that his whole world revolved around. His hand unconsciously moved up Heinz’s side to his face, where he cupped his chin, stroking his bottom lip with his thumb.

Heinz watched, captivated by his nemesis and momentarily distracted from thinking about his diagnosis. He had always had strong feelings about Perry, and with only four months left—

“Here’s the tea,” Vanessa said, walking into the room. Perry jumped back, withdrawing his hand. What had he been thinking? He had intended to merely comfort Heinz, not seduce him. And the man had just learned that he had months to live! Unsure what had happened, he put on his stoic agent face, nodding politely to Vanessa and taking a cup of tea.

Heinz, confused, looked at Perry sadly. It had almost looked like he was about to… No, of course not. He had just been comforting him. What else would he have been doing? Uncertain how to feel about the incident, he took a cup of tea as well and sat up to drink it.

“So, um, I need to decide whether or not it’s worth it to try chemo…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that I took a ridiculous amount of time to post this. If any of you know what GISHWHES is, I was doing that, then I started packing for my first year of college. I've been insanely busy. I haven't forgotten about this fic though, so no worries.

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be fluff, and I don't know what happened. I promise that a lot of it will be happy, even if the premise sounds depressing. I was inspired to write this after reading about the last Phineas and Ferb SDCC panel today (RIP PnF--you were an awesome show). I hope you enjoy it! I'll update again soon.


End file.
